Meldwyn's Voters Guide

Dear Meldwyn,

I’m a registered independent and I have to vote tomorrow in my state’s Super Tuesday primary election. In my state I can vote for any candidate in any party. My problem is that I have no idea who to vote for. Can you help?

Jimmy in Temecula

Thanks for the timely question Jimmy. It’s always difficult to figure out how to think about any of the candidates or the issues with the legions of political pundits holding forth 24/7, each with their own agenda. I know it’s extra tough this year. Fortunately, at this point in the campaign, big media have already narrowed our choices and forced the remaining contenders to speak in easily digestible sound bites that fit nicely between the commercials for big-assed SUV’s and Happy Meals. Thank you NBC, ABC, CBS, CNN and FOX. I’m looking forward to 8 more months of your nonstop coverage culminating with FOX declaring the winner in September.

The way I’ve sorted it all out Jim, is to create a list of questions to apply to each candidate using a points system. Your list may differ, but here's the list that I’ve found helpful. Feel free to borrow. The important thing is to give the process serious thought and make sure that you go to the polls and vote so the your small voice will be heard. Good Luck Jimmy and good luck America.

Meldwyn’s Presidential candidate checklist.

1. Would this candidate choose a running mate who would scare the shit out of both Robespierre and Stalin. If so, deduct 10 points

2. Would the thought of this candidate as president make Ann Coulter’s snarling head spin even more than usual? Would it make Bill O’Reilly literally spew bile on whomever he’s currently bullying live on television? Would this choice make Rush Limbaugh start popping pills and arteries right on the air? If this candidate for president would cause one of these events to happen, give them 5 points. If the choice would have a dramatic adverse effect on all of these stalwarts of the chatttering right, give the candidate 10 points.

3. Does this candidate think it would be a better idea to spend 100 years occupying a sovereign country to control our “national interests” in a given region rather than spending the equivalent human and capital resources on developing technologies that would make certain black and greasy “interests” obsolete? Would they hold their position even if this meant eliminating the need to protect these “interests” like an armored hyena fending off challengers for it’s piece of a rotting carcass? If so, deduct oh, 20 points. If the candidate thinks we should spend only the next 5, 10 or 20 years occupying a given sovereign country, deduct points accordingly.

4. Would this candidate be able to pronounce all of the words they are reading to school children while the country they lead is being bombed? If so, give your candidate 5 points.

5. If this candidate was raised in a religion that that produces men who are bad-assed enough to survive several wives at once, give the candidate 10 points.

6. If this candidate made a fortune “optimizing” companies profitability by driving them off shore or selling them in pieces. Deduct 5 points. If they ran some of the companies that performed these “optimizations” out of a corrupt Caribbean island to avoid paying US taxes, deduct another 5 points. If they then call themselves the pro-business candidate, deduct an additional 5 points.

7. When the candidate hears the term “flip flop” do they think of their footwear of choice on the beach growing up or do they think of their opinion on a given position when the political wind shifts? If it’s the former, give this candidate 5 points. If the answer is the latter, ask the question in five minutes and reevaluate.

8. If this candidate caved in to the current administration and voted to authorize any foreign adventure that might, say, cost trillions of dollars and untold lives because they were too busy taking campaign contributions from defense contractors to read the myriad sources of information that presented verifiable refutations of the administration’s justifications for such an adventure, deduct 10 points. If the candidate actually agreed with the administration deduct 20 points. If read that sentence in one breath, give yourself 5 points.

9. Does this candidate think that it’s God’s will that they become our next president? If this is the same God that all of those players point to when they score a touchdown in the Super Bowl only to be crushed by a two touchdown comeback in the fourth quarter, engineered by a hungover quarterback who’ll be neck deep in groupies and hour after the game, deduct 10 points. If it’s the same God that our current president is taking advice from, deduct 20 points.

10. If you were to hold a fundraiser in your home and the candidate showed up with their posse, it might be helpful to rate your potential house guests. For instance, you might score an 8 for George Clooney, a 2 for Sly Stallone, a 7 for Steven Spielberg and a -10 for William Kristol. Scarlett Johansson might rate a 12 if she didn’t speak and -2 if she did. Of course, Chuck Norris made God from one of his extra ribs so he has his own numeric system. Unfortunately, it’s the fundraisers in homes you’ll never see, held by people that you probably couldn’t name that really count so this ones just for fun.

Well Jimmy, I hope this helps. Tally your scores and I’ll see you at the polls.

Is shopping addictive?

Meldwyn,
Is shopping addictive? I’m really worried because my brother said I was a shopaholic and it freaked me out! So, I went to the mall to see if I could find a book about it. I couldn’t, but I did find a really cute top and some awesome shoes on sale :). My brother laughed sooo hard when I got home even though I know I looked totally hot in my new stuff. Do I need help like my brother says, or is he just a dork?

Outy-

Clarissa Dimwitski



Clarissa,

One person’s shallow, materialist is another’s young patriot. Why our very own Commander in Chief directed all good Americans to go shopping after 911 to keep America strong. How could this be wrong?

There is however, a fine line that distinquishes the credit card toting freedom fighter from a merch junkie with a serious jones. I might suggest a check list to help you determine if you are indeed a shopaholic and need professional help. If you answer yes to 3 or more of the following questions, you may need to begin shopping for a therapist, or, perhaps a shock collar.

1. Does a Vegas-style greeter meet you at the doors of your local mall offering comlimentary lattes and the sevices of a bag sherpa on the house?

2. Do neon lighting and loud colors make you feel warm and happy all over?

3. Are you on a first name basis with the operators at the Shopping Channel?

4. Do you have more cheesy trinkets than great memories or photos from your vacations?

5. Does your pulse rise noticeably when passing even big box stores that peddle only cheap, imported, plastic crap?

6. Was the last magazine you read actually a catalog?

7. Is the high of buying a new outfit followed by a listless low from the mundane exercise of actually wearing the new outfit?

8. Do you fantasize about being a Victoria’s Secret model and having the love child of that hotie in the latest Abercrombie & Fitch ad?

9. Does the smell of the food from the local mall’s food court actually make you hungry?

10. Do you think the term,”To die for”, means that you would kill anyone who tries to snag the last pair of those incredible red pumps you’ve had your eye on at the Macy’s year end sale before you?


By the way, your brother may be right and a dork. These things are not mutually exclusive.

MC